the sinner in me
2009 Resolutions
Keep studying
Be a great boyfriend, and a good son
Be more all-rounded
Stop shrinking and start growing again
Be able to answer to myself
My Second Wind
I fear stagnation and lack of progress. I fear never reaching my potential and being average. I fear being forgotten. The past. Yesterday's news. I fear giving up and being passed by, going softly into that good night. I fear letting those I love down, letting myself down. I fear settling, giving in to the "that's just the way it is" mindset. I fear dying without leaving my mark. I fear not feeling these fears anymore and just floating along. These fears feed me, they nourish my drive.
I love my fear.
i was floored by the looks of a mercedes CL-class coupe and it had just about taken the place of my car of choice that i would strive to purchase after graduation, only to realize that a porsche 911 carrera s is a cheaper option by an amount just shy of S$30,000, has a smaller engine (thus equating to lesser road tax, though the insurance for the soft top will probably compensate for this), is a convertible (with drawbacks as explained in the earlier point) thus provides the option of driving with the top down, and is a more recognized performance car.
the fallen saint left at 1:41 am sometimes i seem to be toeing the line between pedantry and nonchalance about my life. it's an eternal dilemma which i constantly choose whether to care about.
the fallen saint left at 12:17 am
school is always the same - not having someone who shares my interests in more than one aspect.
the fallen saint left at 4:22 pm
the exams were finally over yesterday, it's a huge weight off my shoulders and the necessity of early morning wake-ups are no more, for now, but i feel empty now. there are loose ends in school to tie up, and i hope to meet with my old friends soon, but something is missing still. i wish i knew.
the fallen saint left at 10:39 pm
lately i've been feeling the same
the fallen saint left at 12:08 pm
i've never stuck with textbooks for such extended periods of time in my life, so much so that i actually surprised myself this past week. in the past, i used to punctuate my studying with playing pool to let off some steam, but i guess that ended up to be counter-productive, since my grades left much to be desired.
the fallen saint left at 1:16 am
i tried but i could never trust you, now you're just fading away where my eyes cannot show me.
the fallen saint left at 12:03 am
if you scientists are so smart, why are we still not able to upload information into our brains?
the fallen saint left at 3:24 am
the fallen saint left at 7:07 pm
i'm holding on your rope
the fallen saint left at 9:24 pm i said this in passing and my friend thought it was quote-worthy, so..
the fallen saint left at 9:13 pm
i never doubted. never.
the fallen saint left at 11:24 pm and so it is,
the fallen saint left at 2:10 am
Friday, November 30, 2007
killjoy
however, i must admit that 911s are relatively more common to behold than CL series, as i have only seen one of the latter in singapore ever, if memory serves me accurately enough. and i've seen an old woman who probably can't earn a living on her own talent driving a red 911, albeit a different variant. then again, kelvin and i won't forget the time we were walking through marriott hotel, when a fairly youthful lady walked into her yellow f430 and fired up her ferrari. but you have to say, that is a one-off and probably won't be seen again for a long while.
oddly enough, the car that i used to dislike in the past is now becoming one of the more popular ones on my little list. the porsche 911 carrera s - it's just nibbling away at my resistance.
two feet
isn't it odd when you look at the pavement at night and only see a single silhouette, especially if you're not used to being alone? walking home along and hearing only your own footsteps - it begs an outcry for companionship sometimes. on occasion you turn to say something, only to realize that there's no one there anymore. you wish for someone to share an opinion with at that very instant, but all around you are mere strangers who couldn't care less about your presence.
elaine said my standards are too high, and pris said i'm too picky and fussy. i suppose when it comes to passers-by i'm perpetually critical and bitchy, and i never fail to find a remark that is too damning, but that's what i've become over the years, and whether this is just a phase of my life or something that will take up permanent residence in my character, remains to be seen. this apathy i feel right now, however, will in all likelihood carry on for a while, i have good reason to believe.
nevertheless, i want to express heartfelt gratitude to the people who still care to keep in touch with me, to ask how i'm doing. there aren't many, it has to be said, and i don't want to deceive anyone either, but for the few who are here with me as my friends, i thank you all, with utmost sincerity. knowing you all has given me great joy and privilege.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
sore thumb
i'll never fit in, and i don't wish to.
i am my own man, i am proud of who i am, where i am from, and whatever i become, i have faith it will not be for the worse.
Friday, November 23, 2007
fresh air
i think i've been living out a self-fulling prophecy of not getting married in my life. you all say that when the right person comes along my decision will change, but every day only proves my stand to be more and more correct. my opinions are justified and my dream doesn't really feature a partner. i'm a loner, i always have been, and i don't think anyone would want to spend a life with me anyway.
the idea of love is alien, i don't trust it because i don't know how it works, and i am wary of girls who have been unusually nice to me. i don't want to get involved in this four-letter word again, i'm not willing and i have no desire for it. when you decide you want to commit to someone but the other person says no, it blows your world wide apart and every belief you ever held becomes nothing in the vast space in which you find yourself. ultimately, declarations of commitment are just words that mean nothing, because minds will always change, as do hearts, and i don't want to be anybody's fool.
life has given me painful memories, more than i can even remember, and i have no need for more.
if there's still any wonder, thanks, but no.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
filo & peri feat. eric limiere - anthem
i've been losing hope, resisting the pain
it's cold outside, i wish it were clearer
sometimes it's just easier to turn around than look in the mirror
sometimes when i go to sleep
my life spins out in front of me
like a hurricane, a bottle of wine
sometimes it's easier to let something else control your life
this is an anthem for the girl that got away
this is an anthem for the war of yesterday
this is an anthem for the rebel of my youth
this is an anthem for the risk of loving you
this is an anthem for the girl that got away
this is an anthem for the war of yesterday
this is an anthem for the rebel of my youth
this is an anthem for the risk of loving you
Sunday, November 11, 2007
huff and puff
i don't know if being so disciplined this time around will pay dividends, since understanding concepts is one thing, whereas being able to display the knowledge and convince another person of your grasp of the topics is an entirely different issue, particularly when it's not about solving stupid math questions.
in any case, i don't think i will have much to regret about even if i don't do well.
honestly i don't know why i typed all this out. it doesn't give an excuse for an impending failure, nor does it make me more exam-smart. i guess i just needed to rant a bit before i call it a night and continue the fight tomorrow.
blessed are all those who do not need to worry about exams anymore.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
erasure
i don't know you anymore.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
technology!
don't you realize the process of reading words will eventually damage our eyes and you should actually do something you're paid so lucratively for, for once?
technology is evidently not progressing fast enough. our advances are miniscule and clearly insufficient.
we demand our taxes back. you faggots walking around in white lab coats aren't doing your jobs.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
drown your sorrows, son
Friday, November 02, 2007
apologize, by timbaland
got me ten feet off the ground
and i'm hearing what you say but i just can't make a sound
you tell me that you need me
then you go and cut me down, but wait
you tell me that you're sorry
didn't think i'd turn around, and say
that it's too late to apologize, it's too late
i'd take another chance, take a fall
take a shot for you
and i need you like a heart needs a beat
but it's nothing new
i loved you with a fire red-
now it's turning blue, and you say
i'm sorry like an angel
heaven let me think it was you
but i'm afraid
it's too late to apologize, it's too late
a faint smile
"waffle crisps are what they serve you in heaven for breakfast."
Thursday, November 01, 2007
a colossal sigh
it feels so empty now, like a vacuum sucking me in.
it's so tempting to give in and let it take me over.
this is my white flag.
good bye.
night of an open heart
rife with heartache.
fare thee well, sweet love.
the night is mine to mourn.
you'll never know how much.